Sunday, March 11, 2012

I Love You and Will Miss You Always


For just a moment my family was perfect.......and then that moment ended. This morning at about 4:30am I got a call from Jason who was at the hospital. He told me that Critter was having some blood pressure issues and was being transfered to the PICU (Pediatric ICU). He said he thought Critter was probably ok and I could stay home if I wanted to. I layed back down in bed and felt panic and the strongest desire to be there so I called my mom and left for the hospital. By the time I got there Critter looked really swollen and was not fully concious. I said to Jason "This looks more than just a little bad" he told me he had gone down hill fast.

We struggled to get him settled. Critter had a ton of fluid on in lungs and in his heart. We hoped if we could get some fluid off his lungs and heart he might recover. They decided to intubate him to help him breath and expand his lungs. They were worried that the stress of intubating him would cause him to go into cardiac arrest. We found a nurse that from the oncology unit that we loved and asked him to help Jason give Critter a blessing. They both cried but made it through the blessing. The docs were all ready for the worst when the intubated him and then the intubation went smoothly. Critter stabalized with a breathing tube and we all relaxed a little. I told Jason to go take a nap because he had been up all night. About 5 minutes after he left they decided to adjust his breathing tube and get a better NG tube. They pushed the sedation and he started moving awake. I ran over and talked to him reassuring him that I was there and it would be ok. I watched the color drain out of his face and his heart rate stop. The nurses immediatly called a code and within seconds we had a room full of doctors and nurses pushing meds and doing chest compressions on him. I immediatly called Jason and he was there within seconds of the calling the code.

We had a nurse practioner standing next to us explaining what they were doing and what it all ment. Then the doctor in charge looked over at us and said they would continue until we told them to stop. He was a very kind knowlegable doc. We asked some questions about our options. After a little bit longer it was obvious that he was not coming back and we told them to stop. The worst words I have ever heard are "Discontinue CPR."


What really touched us is how just outside our area there was a group of nurses from the oncology unit crying and watching us. When we finally went upsairs to collect our stuff everyones eyes were red, the housekeeper gave me a huge hug and just said I know. And I know she did. She talked with him every day. He would purposly throw food on the floor just for her. It was so touching to see how everyone cared for us.

After they stopped CPR we stopped all his IVs. Unhooked him from all machines and we held him and rocked him. We told him how brave he had been and how much we loved him. He was so bruised and blue it didn't look like him.


I hope someday we will get to heaven and see that our pain on earth was worth it. I hope someday this pain will fade. We are confident we made the right decision to stop CPR but the memories of our happy little Critter bug are everywhere. His hat is still hanging by the door. We carried out his "pack pack" that he had wanted to bring to the hospital with him. We miss him so much. There is such a hole in our family. We are thankful to everyone for all the love and support they have given us through this whole journey and we know that we will never be able to repay you. We love you Critter and hope you are pain free with your Heavenly Father.

74 comments:

  1. Crying my eyes out as I read this. As my Scottish granny would say, "he is away home now", and this baby in wrapped in love and without pain. Thank you for sharing this personal moment. Thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.

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  2. I honestly don't have words to express to you how deeply sorry I am. I can only imagine the pain and grief you feel....and the hole. We love you guys and will continue praying for your sweet family.

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  3. Don't just hope, know that he is pain free and happy. Elder Wirthlin says, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

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  4. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. May you be comforted and filled with peace.

    Love, Another UT Cancer Family

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  5. I'm beyond heartbroken. Such a devastating loss. Your poor sweet family... we've followed your story since the beginning and have grown so connected. There aren't any words. Please know you are loved and thought about a great deal.

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  6. You don't know me, but I am a fellow cancer Mom and heard of your story today. My heart is breaking for your little family! My God be with you 'til you meet again.

    Much Love,
    Jennie

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  7. I know you don't know me but a friend on FB posting asking for prayers for your family. My heart aches for you, and I truly am so sorry. You are an amazing mom and my only wish is for Christ to comfort you and love you right now. Again just know that people across this nation are praying for you and your family. The world is a little darker tonight without your sweet, beautiful little boy. But, Heaven is so full of light, mercy and grace. Sending heartfelt love and prayers.

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  8. My heart hurts for you and your family and your loss. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family until you are reunited with your angel.

    Love from another UT cancer family,
    Stephanie

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  9. I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you, mom. I hope you're able to find comfort in coming days. You are in my prayers.

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  10. Oh my sweet sweet sweet family. We love you and I know the angels are wrapped around you and Critter. Our family truely believes in the quote Heather gave you, and in time you will feel it as well too.

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  11. oh...we are praying for you, we are so, so sorry. i cannot believe what a strong fighter you had. you were all fighters. we are thinking of you and your family. Critter is much happier and loves you. much love, ryan and hanna stringham

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  12. I am so sorry. You guys are so amazing and your little critter is so amazing. I am so sad that he had to leave you. It makes my heart ache. The pictures are beautiful and he is such a beautiful little boy. I love you guys.

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  13. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I love you and Jason so much. Know their are so many people trying to comfort you with prayers. I just can't imagine. Know that critter is with you at every moment. The little whispers it or promptings are from him and he is happy. Love love love you all.

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  14. I write with tears streaming down my face. My heart aches for all you have gone through and all you continue to go through. You have been in our prayers this whole time, and now will be even more. Oh Groscosts! We pray you will be encircled with peace and love. Thank you for sharing your journey through this blog - it has been humbling to read. Anth & Steph

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  15. Groscost family, we are so sad to learn of your sweet son Critter's passing. What a beautiful boy. I met him and Nikki briefly at Christmas time when we dropped treats off to your family. I was so heartbroken for you then and I am so heartbroken for you now. We will never forget your little boy and your sweet family.. we will be thinking and praying for you over these next few days.

    Love Jodi, Carson, & family (Carson is one of Critters Cancer fighting buddies)

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  16. You don't know me but my family has been praying for yours and we just hope you can feel the love we are sending to you now. Know that Critter is always with you. We will pray for peace for your family.

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  17. Niki and Family, my heart is aching for you right now and I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love and prayers your way.

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  18. We love you and our hearts are aching for your sweet family. Hopefully Critter's starting to feel at home and is ready to make Moo Muffins. You are in our thoughts and prayers!
    love,
    The Atkinsons

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  19. I think we might have seen you in the halls of PCMC at the end of January when our daughter Rachel, a former AML kid, was in for about a week with a virus. I wish I would've introduced myself then.

    Anyway, we are sad to hear of Critter's passing. We read your blog today and wept. Each time an AML child passes away, Rachel cries and feels guilty that she is still here. We will pray for your family! I can't imagine how hard this must be--but we know that our Heavenly Father and our Savior will wrap you in their arms and bring you peace during this difficult time.
    --Marie Steele

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  20. We are so terribly sorry for what has happened. I know that you will have the opportunity to raise Critter during the Second Coming. You are wonderful parents and were there with him every step of the way. He will always be with you. One blog that I've been following that may help is http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/. They lost their 1.5 year daughter. We are always praying for you. Love, Jordan and Melyn

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  21. All of our thoughts and prayers are with you and your beautiful family.

    A Utah Cancer family

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  22. Word can not express the sadness we all feel at the passing of your sweet little critter. We rejoice at the short life he lived here on earth and we are grateful he is free from illness and pain. You will always have a special Angel in Heaven looking out for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers. May you feel the comfort of our Heavenly Father at this time and know that we love you! Love the Nash Family

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  23. I and my family know first hand of the pain and emptyness your family is feelng. There a@ no words that will change this, and you will always think about the "what ifs". We are here on this earth only for a short time and Critter has graduated on to far greater things and you and your family will see him again! You have had a chance to experience some amazing things. You may or may not understand how blessed your family has been, but in time you will. Someday we will more fully understand why we have these trials to endure. But for now we still wonder. Know that our father in heaven is very aware of you and your family. May you feel his presence in the coming weeks and monthes.
    Forever Strong
    Robert Smith

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  24. I just heard about your little guy today. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am also a UT cancer mom, and while many of us don't know each other personally, we are all connected by the brave battle our children are fighting against cancer. And, our hearts are aching for you. Please know that there is an army of moms and dads and cancer fighting cuties that are thinking of you and wishing for you peace and the comforting Spirit of the Lord.

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  25. We are so sorry to hear about Critter. He has blessed so many lives with his short time here. Our hearts are with you.

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  26. Sending love and prayers your way from another cancer fighting family.

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  27. It is hard to find the right words to express our overwhelming sense of sympathy and compassion for you and your family. So sorry to hear about your unbearable loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. May you find peace and comfort in Eternal Families.

    Love- Connie- another Cancer Mom.

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  28. I'm a bunco lady with gramma Cheryl. your blog has lifted and touched me in so many ways. it has been so evident that you have walked this journey with our Savior and my testimony has been strengthened as you have recognized His presence with you through this heart wrenching journey. May you continue to find peace from Him. I have a healthy little granddaughter critters age and I have held her closer and loved her more, knowing that we just don't know how long any of us will be here. thank you for sharing your journey with so many that you don't even know. May god bless you and your family as you heal!

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  29. I am holding my little ones a bit closer tonight. As a fellow cancer mom my heart aches for your family! I will be even more grateful for each day with my cancer fighting cutie now and I pray for comfort and peace to fill your home as you know so many people have been touched by your story and your strength. Many prayers for you all at this difficult time...Sally

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  30. We want to express our deepest condolences and let you know we are praying for your family at this time. We are so sorry for your loss and want you to know we are here to support you in anyway. We can't imagine what you are going through, know the best source of comfort is through Jesus Christ.

    Love The Dowdles

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  32. Niki and Jason,

    Our hearts are broken. We love you so much! Even just sharing this blog with you has made us feel so proud to call ourselves a part of this family. Thank you.

    May you continue to be steady and strong. Know that you are all at the heart of our thoughts and prayers always.

    Michael and Amy

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  33. Jason and Niki- President Monson stated: “Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties”. We can only imagine Critter must have valiantly passed life’s test and the sweet reunion he is having today is one that we can all hope for. We pray that your heart may find peace and your faith will see you through this difficult time. Love Lynden & Lyndsay

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  34. Jason and Nikki, you and your family are in our prayers and we have drenched our pillows tonight reading your story. I can just just imagine the champion that critter must have been before he came to earth to accept his lot in life. One thing is for sure he picked a great family. We love you guys.
    Ryan and Krysten Reading

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  35. What a beautiful post! We are just heartbroken for you guys. Critter was such a sweet, fun, spunky little boy that loved his family so much! He will be missed. Our love and prayers are with you. Love, The Smiths

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  36. Tears cannot stop while I was reading this. My heart has been aching ever since I heard the news of your sweet boy. I am a fellow cancer mom, and have spent a lot of days and nights in ICS. Know that you are loved and that all the prayers coming to you and your family are what will get you through. xoxoxo
    Love,
    Shawna Wilson

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  37. My heart aches for you and your dear little family. I haven't met you or Critter but I am a friend of Heather's and have been following your blog since his first diagnosis. Critter has touched so many peoples lives for the good it is unbelievable. I hope that will bring you some comfort in the rough days ahead. I lost my nephew Jake 5 yrs ago to a Wilm's tumor. I think the thing that has helped me the most since that time is knowing that he was a perfect spirit, that we will be together again and the joy that he brought to all of us. I know that nothing I say or write will fill the hole in your heart but just know that we're here and love you :) Sending big hugs and lots of love!

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  38. Our prayer for you and your family is for strength, peace and comfort. I can't even imagine what this feels like but know that only the Savior can buoy you up.

    Love Christine Caldwell

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  39. My heart is broken for your family. I am so so sorry for your great loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  40. I know you don't know me but I'm friends with Amanda Flamm. I am so sorry for your family's loss. May God give you peace and strength. You are all in my prayers and thoughts. Hugs from Ireland.

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  41. What a beautiful family you have. Our thoughts and prayers are with your family.
    ~another Cancer Family from UT

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  42. Jason and Niki,
    We are so sorry for your loss. We can't comprehend the pain you must be going through but we want you to know that we are praying for your family.
    Love, Geoff and Jill Wolfgramm

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  44. I'm so sorry for your loss Nikki, my heart just breaks for you and your family. At least we know what a wonderful place he is in now.

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  45. My mom called and told me the news last night. I'm am so sorry! I can't imagine the pain you are going through, but please know thoughts and prayers are coming to you from the East coast.

    Megan Mather

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  46. Our hearts broke yesterday when we found out. We can't begin to comprehend what you are going through right now, but know that we are praying for you to find peace and comfort from the Lord. We love you guys!

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  47. Words cannot express the deep sorrow I feel for you right now. Please know that even strangers are mourning the loss of your little angel. I haven't been able to stop the tears all weekend. I pray that your testimony of eternal families will be strengthened, and that the Lord's Spirit will comfort you, bless you, and carry you through this difficult time so that you may find times of peace and joy again in the future.

    ~Wendy Burr
    Another Utah Cancer Mom

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  48. Nikki and Jason,
    I am so sorry. Critter was so brave in his fight. I pray for you and your family to understand and receive the comfort and peace you need. I hope it brings a little bit of comfort knowing that he doesn't have to suffer anymore.
    You've both been so brave as well. I can't even imagine what you are going through right now. You are continually in my prayers.

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  49. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you during this difficult time.
    -Jennifer Chambliss, sister in law of Kcee Amack and aunt of Cancer Cutie Kiera Perry

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  50. I am so sorry. I hope you can find the Peace you need at such a heartbreaking time. We will be praying for you and your family. We are thinking of you, fellow cancer mom, Amy Johnson

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  51. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Critter is the same age my boy, Bryson, was when he was diagnosed. I can't imagine the void you are feeling right now. I pray that you will feel peace in the days, months, and lifetime to come. Your family is constantly in my thoughts. Hugs and loves,
    Autumn

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  52. I am so so deeply sorry! Although I have never met you or your sweet son, I'm crying as I read your last post, knowing you guys are experiencing such a tremendous loss. I too have a cancer fighting cutie and they are all my hero's. What a courgeous and brave boy. I pray and hope you will feel comfort and peace during this difficult time. Critter must have been such an amazing kid that he had work to be doing on the other side. I hope you can feel how much you are loved. We are thinking and praying for your family! So sorry!

    With Love,

    Johnny and Amber Evans and Avery (our cancer fighter)

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  53. Niki and Jason,
    We just want you to know how much we love you guys. You both have been such a good example to us as you have gone through this awful trial. Our hearts our breaking for you at this time. Please know you are constantly in our thoughts and prayers. We will miss seeing Critters sweet smiling face. We love you!
    The Larsen's

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  54. Niki and Jason,
    My heart aches and tears are streaming down my face for you and your family. I am so so sorry. I also have a cancer fighting little man. I can not think of anything that that would come close to comforting your loss, but I want you to know you are loved and supported and we are praying for you. It is so unfair but I do know that our Heavenly Father does have a plan, sometimes it is uncomprehensible that we would have to feel so much pain. But I know Christ brings peace and I pray for that peace to pass over your hearts. It doesn't make anything better, but at least his peace can help you know you are loved and the Lord knows who you are.

    Rachel Gray and Little Mikhael

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  55. There are no words to tell you how heartbroken I am for your loss. My son has just relapsed as well and I know for even that there are no words anyone can say to make you feel better. Please know that we are praying for your sweet family. I pray you are able to find the peace and comfort that you need to get through the coming days.
    Jeff and Heidi Jamieson

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  56. Nicole...
    I am devestated for you! I am so sorry!! I just miss working with you and how you always had a smile for me. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you can find peace through this horrible trial. xoxo
    Karly

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  57. Niki, I am sure you don't remember me, but I worked with you at St. Marks for a little while. I am so sorry for you and your family's loss. I will be praying for you.
    Megan Mann

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  58. Niki, we know it had to be difficult for you to write the details of your last moments with Critter but we really felt your love for him and it touched our hearts. We thank you for sharing these delicate moments, it will help us to appreciate our own children and grandchildren and the moments we have with them. May you and Jason and your children feel your Saviors love at this most difficult time as he surrounds you with his loving arms.

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  59. Niki and Jason,
    We are so sorry for your sweet family. We love you and want you to know that we are praying for you. We are thankful for the blessing of knowing your family.
    Love,
    The Van De Graaffs

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  60. Niki,
    I dont know if u remember working with me from the U on 2 north, I ran across your blog from a friend in my neighborhood whos child also has cancer and it broke my heart when it brought up your picture. I am so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to u and your beautiful family at this time.
    Sincerely, Patience Rees

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  61. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've been following and praying for you guys. May God keep you in His tender care, especially in the coming days.

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  62. I am so sorry about Critter. Our hearts have been praying for your family since we heard the news. Upon reading your blog I see that we were inpatient with you in June 2010 when our little girl (23 months old at diagnosis) was also diagnosed with AML. I wish we'd been friends while we were both in ICS. I am sorry.

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  63. I do not know you personally, but after reading just the first little paragraph of this post I am in tears. I too am a cancer mom of a three year old who is currently fighting. You are living every cancer mom's biggest fear. I am just aching for you, and hope that you know how many prayers are with you right now. Our Saviors arms are wrapped around your sweet family and he is walking this journey right by your side. Critters little smile just melts my heart!!! I can tell just from the pictures that he will truly be missed!!!

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  64. I don't know you personally, but I want you to know that today I registered as a bone marrow donor and thought of your son. I am so sorry for your loss and want you to know that your son has influenced many people, including some you have never met including me.

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  65. Jason and family. Our hearts go out to you, we are so saddened and shocked to hear this terrible news. We pray that God will wrap you in His loving arms and give you comfort at this time. Leanne and Gernot Penzhorn

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  66. OMG!! Nicole, I am so so sad, I was just remembering that the both of us were pregnant at the same time, I am crying just thinking about that and how strong and brave I thought you were having yet another baby... when Maggie told me what happened I couldn't believe such awful news. I hope you and your family can get all the comfort you will need from now on. My prayers are with you...
    ROMINA FRANZA

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  67. Today in Cedar City, UT along with some of my family registered as a bone marrow donor. As I did so I thought of your precious family. Lots of prayers for you all.

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  68. Dear Jason and Nicki,
    There are no words to tell you how much my heart aches for you. What a special little fighter Critter was and what wonderful parents you both are. Through everything that you have had to endure you have held strong to each other and made sure that you kept your family strong. May the Saviors loving arms wrap around your family and hold you close. May he ease your pain and let you see as life goes on that Critter will still be with you, send you butterfly kisses. We love you so much.
    Terry and Russ Rowley

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  69. My heart aches for your family. Sending love your way.

    -Shauna, a long-term PICU Mama

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  70. I am heartsick for your family. Nicki, we met you and Critter around Christmas-time, I came with a group of cancer-mom's. Your story touched me deeply that day, and I have thought of you ever since. Please know our thoughts and prayers are with you as you begin this difficult journey of life without your sweet boy. He was so brave and I pray that Heavenly Father will wrap his loving arms around you as you suffer.

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  71. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Jason and I would like you to know that we are here if you need anything. Much love being sent to you all.

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  72. I am completely heartsick, just too much for parents. You guys are amazing people and parents, your sweet Critter is one of chosen ones. You will all be together again and until then Great-Grandma Kathy will be holding on tight and giving him extra hugs and kisses until you two can. My deepest sympathies and prayers are with you guys.

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  73. May our Heavenly Father shower your family with blessings. Thank you for sharing your experience, and I am so so sorry for your loss. We pray for you in Atlanta.
    (I am Elena Hoffman's aunt)

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