For just a moment my family was perfect.......and then that moment ended. This morning at about 4:30am I got a call from Jason who was at the hospital. He told me that Critter was having some blood pressure issues and was being transfered to the PICU (Pediatric ICU). He said he thought Critter was probably ok and I could stay home if I wanted to. I layed back down in bed and felt panic and the strongest desire to be there so I called my mom and left for the hospital. By the time I got there Critter looked really swollen and was not fully concious. I said to Jason "This looks more than just a little bad" he told me he had gone down hill fast.
We struggled to get him settled. Critter had a ton of fluid on in lungs and in his heart. We hoped if we could get some fluid off his lungs and heart he might recover. They decided to intubate him to help him breath and expand his lungs. They were worried that the stress of intubating him would cause him to go into cardiac arrest. We found a nurse that from the oncology unit that we loved and asked him to help Jason give Critter a blessing. They both cried but made it through the blessing. The docs were all ready for the worst when the intubated him and then the intubation went smoothly. Critter stabalized with a breathing tube and we all relaxed a little. I told Jason to go take a nap because he had been up all night. About 5 minutes after he left they decided to adjust his breathing tube and get a better NG tube. They pushed the sedation and he started moving awake. I ran over and talked to him reassuring him that I was there and it would be ok. I watched the color drain out of his face and his heart rate stop. The nurses immediatly called a code and within seconds we had a room full of doctors and nurses pushing meds and doing chest compressions on him. I immediatly called Jason and he was there within seconds of the calling the code.
We had a nurse practioner standing next to us explaining what they were doing and what it all ment. Then the doctor in charge looked over at us and said they would continue until we told them to stop. He was a very kind knowlegable doc. We asked some questions about our options. After a little bit longer it was obvious that he was not coming back and we told them to stop. The worst words I have ever heard are "Discontinue CPR."
What really touched us is how just outside our area there was a group of nurses from the oncology unit crying and watching us. When we finally went upsairs to collect our stuff everyones eyes were red, the housekeeper gave me a huge hug and just said I know. And I know she did. She talked with him every day. He would purposly throw food on the floor just for her. It was so touching to see how everyone cared for us.
After they stopped CPR we stopped all his IVs. Unhooked him from all machines and we held him and rocked him. We told him how brave he had been and how much we loved him. He was so bruised and blue it didn't look like him.
I hope someday we will get to heaven and see that our pain on earth was worth it. I hope someday this pain will fade. We are confident we made the right decision to stop CPR but the memories of our happy little Critter bug are everywhere. His hat is still hanging by the door. We carried out his "pack pack" that he had wanted to bring to the hospital with him. We miss him so much. There is such a hole in our family. We are thankful to everyone for all the love and support they have given us through this whole journey and we know that we will never be able to repay you. We love you Critter and hope you are pain free with your Heavenly Father.