How I Feel

Well one more week down and another started. His counts are down. Now we wait. I have noticed a pattern in my feelings during the hospital stays and since the most frequent question I get is " How are YOU doing?" I guess I will share how I really feel. When we first come in I am ready to fight. Ready to face another round. About 2 days into it Critter gets sick. He smells like chemo (which for some reason really bothers me, not that it smells bad but that it is the smell of the poison I am knowingly putting into my child's body. Every time it gives me stomachache). I cringe with the knowledge of how my child is suffering. It doesn't get any easier.

By about day 8 or 9 I have conquered the reality of our situation and it is no longer as heavy as it seemed when we came in. We settle into hospital life and finding sitters for the other kids. This is the easiest time for me but it doesn't last long. By day 12-14 Critter is feeling better and the counts are coming down. The hospital is easy. We sit and watch movies and try to get him to eat. The problem is at home. In those 14 days I have seen my other children for a total of 4 days. The novelty of being with friends and family all the time has worn off. They miss their mom. I miss them. It is hard to describe a mothers desire to see and hold her children. I can only describe it as an ache inside. I want to be there when their feelings are hurt or their knee is scratched. When these things happen and they call me I feel absolutely powerless because I cannot be there. The upside to this is I have noticed a bond growing between my boys. They are increasingly protective of each other. They have learned to stick together because they are the only family they have right now.

I also miss my husband. Even though we talk a lot on the phone we don't get to hang out together. We function. We plan what is going on with what kids, discuss labs, ask what doctor said what, who is babysitting tomorrow, how work was etc.. I miss having fun. I'm not saying we are having marital problems we just miss each other.

It just sucks to put it lamely. But I have worked out a routine that seems to help. Thanks to my aunt and uncle I now have a yoga mat and do yoga movies during Critters nap. Sometimes I go for a jog after he goes to sleep. I read a lot which I love. I am so blessed with such a strong little boy. He is so affectionate, always giving me hugs and kisses (which sometimes include teeth but it is out of love). He spends the third week laughing and playing with me which helps a lot. This week, as you can see in the picture, he has decided to unload the drawers that keep his clothes. We load and unload many times each day. I hope this means he will one day love to do laundry.

Another blessing my family received this week was the birth of my nephew Samuel Isaac Earl (Gerb). He is a beautiful baby. He has big hands with long fingers, dashes of dirty blond hair, and a cute baby face. When I went to visit I couldn't help but run my fingers over his perfect little chest. No rashes, no bruises, no stickers, no lines just perfect beautiful baby skin. I was reminded of how perfect these little babies come to earth. I was in awe of Gods creations and felt an increase in gratitude for the blessings I have received. Congratulations to my brother and his amazing wife. They will be excellent parents.